Hello. My name is Martin Stewart. You may not have heard of me, as Mummy gave me up for adoption many, many years ago. As a young woman growing up in Nutley, New Jersey, Martha was told again and again by her loving father that boys were "nothing but trouble." When Mummy found out that the second daughter she always wanted as a sister for Alexis was actually a boy, she made arrangements for me to be shipped off to Guam.

Luckily, I was adopted by a nice Irish family in Massachusetts, and learned to fit in with my rather drab, suburban surroundings until the time of Mummy's unfortunate incarceration. One day, upon opening the mail, I found a heartfelt letter scrawled on prison toilet paper, revealing my true identity. I always suspected something was a bit off with my adopted family; while my "brothers" were fixing cars and building custom cabinetry, I was busy redecorating the tree fort, or throwing an excellent luncheon for intermissions from games of "kick the can."

Now that Mummy is back home at Turkey Hill, she has asked me to take over the website for awhile, as her ankle bracelet doesn't allow her to go into the studio. Being the loving, forgiving son that I am, I jumped at the chance to take over for just a bit. Finally, my domestic skills and inherited good taste will come to something.

While I don't have all the advantages that Mummy could have provided for me over the years, I have learned a few tricks in the kitchen, and I'm going to share one of my favorites with you.

One of the questions I'm often asked is what to do with leftover pie crust. While it freezes well, often when company is about to arrive, we find ourselves without an appropriate filling! Apples simply won't do if they're out of season, while cherry or blueberry filling is difficult to produce on short notice. (Don't even try to make a pie with canned filling. Your guests will know the difference, and so will you.)

How to solve this dilemma? You've already made your most excellent, flakey pie crust, and you want to serve a slice of pie to your guests, but you simply do not have the time to make a decent filling.

My answer? Look deeper into your freezer. You'll be surprised at what you may find.

My freezer is very deep indeed, and I find that if I haven't spent the appropriate amount of time cleaning it out, there are many hidden gems that can be used in soups, stews, and yes, even pies. It's all about the proper freezing techniques. If you flash-freeze your items before storing them in the correct containers, your frozen items will last for months...sometimes even years!

While unorthodox, a bucket with a tea towel often does the trick of keeping food fresh in the freezer. This combination allows air to circulate around the food, while keeping the temperature constant. The myth of freezer burn is that it is caused by any air at all touching one's food. This simply is not so. If you get nothing else out of this article, remember that one does not have to invest in an expensive vacuum sealer in order to keep food tasting fresh.

I'm sure by now you're just as anxious to know what was kept in this unmarked container. Unlike Mummy, I don't have a fancy label-making machine, which I believe adds to the surprise and drama of making food. Whatever is under the towel is what will go into the pie. It's rather exciting, and excitement, as Mummy would say, is a Good Thing.

Ah! My favorite!

I like to keep all my ex-boyfriends "on-ice" as it were. Who knows what tales they'll tell out of school after the relationship is over? I find that a frozen mouth never talks out of school.

I'm unsure of who this fellow used to be. There are so many to choose from. I collect boyfriends like Mummy collects Depression glass, I'm afraid. Besides, it's best not to keep a list, as it's better for those you've frozen to remain "missing" rather than...well, you can figure out the rest.

I find there are many advantages to keeping ex-boyfriends on-hand as leftovers. First of all, they're much more useful than they would be cluttering up whatever city you happen to reside in, taking other available men away from you. Secondly, you have the advantage of already knowing what they taste like. I like to keep the tougher ones on-hand for stocks and boiled dinners (or the occasional slow-cooker meal), while the fresher ones are fantastic for desserts or light snacks.

Make sure to allow your ex to thaw completely at room temperature before baking. Otherwise, you may end up with undercooked spots throughout, and didn't you have enough of the hot-and-cold routine while you were dating?

While the main ingredient is thawing out, gather up your other fillings.

Isn't that a lovely array. The green of the eyeballs will counterbalance the lovely pink of the intestines, while the fleshy nose is an excellent savory undertone to the glistening kidneys. Be sure to wash out the kidneys before adding them to your pie. You don't want any of your guests biting down on a stone!

Sometimes, it's difficult to wait for the finished product. I'm constantly dipping a finger into the batter, as it were:

Entrail-icious!

While it is always appreciated when a pastry chef gets creative with his ingredients, please refrain from playing with your food too much. You must show the proper respect for those who have made sacrifices so that you may entertain properly.

Amusing, but not tasteful.

The best way to deal with an ex-boyfriend pie is to start with the main ingredient and work your way outward. You don't want to go overboard with peripheral ingredients that are going to take away from the main flavor. Carlos or Johnny or Pete may have liked to be close to other guy's body parts in life, but in your culinary efforts, it's best to keep that to a minimum.

Arrange all the ingredients in a pre-baked pie shell, keeping color and presentation in mind. I always like to arrange my exes eyes-forward, so that the guest of honor may be looked upon with the proper respect.

I also like to be able to turn the plate around and say, "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Goodness knows they never would do so when you were dating.

I find the traditional lattice top to work just wonderfully with a pie such as this one. It's not constraining and adds a bit of flair to the overall presentation. Besides, I always find it's best to see what type of filling is inside. Let your guests know what they're getting into before committing. That's advice I should have taken well before I met the main ingredient!

Bake at 350 degrees for at least 45 minutes to make sure that your pie is fully cooked. The men in my life have always been half-baked. I find it best if they don't stay that way.

The result will be tender and sweet with just a hint of flakiness. I don't know about you, but that describes the perfect man to me.

I find a simple arrangement works best when serving this dish. Put out your second-best serving set and use the flatware from the kitchen, not your grandmother's silver. After all, if you were treated to china and gold-plated utensils earlier, you probably wouldn't be having this dessert in the first place!

Bon appetit! Mummy should be released from house arrest soon, and will no doubt be more than happy that her website has been kept in good order while she was away. Until then, send me your recipe ideas. You never know who...excuse me, what will show up on the menu next!

You know, when someone says, "Do you want to do props for my show?" it's sometimes best to find out what those props will consist of before agreeing to it.

I signed up for the few handmade props needed for The Compleat Wks. of Wm. Shakespeare, Abridged awhile back, and I hadn't heard anything from the director for quite some time. Then a few days ago, I was asked if I could bake a head into a pie, as part of the cooking-show segment of the Tragedies. I had no idea how I was going to approach it, but theater, like writing, is something where you say yes first, then figure out how to do it afterwards.

I settled on using Sculpey, a polymer clay that Suzanne introduced me to. It's softer than Fimo (which I believe is more popular), and hardens in the oven at a low temperature without making the kitchen smell like melted plastic (as other polymer clays do). I haven't had the urge to create anything sculptural for years, but I knew that I could at least roll out a piece of Sculpey into a pie crust, and then paint it to look realistic.

I had to bake the shell first, since the head is made out of papier mache. I used the lattice top because it would be easier to cut around the false head after baking to a hardened state. Alas, I found that it crumbled a bit the first time I touched it with a steak knife, but by flipping the top over, I was able to make some decent cuts, and those pieces that fell off were easily re-applied using a hot glue gun. (Martha is the domestic goddess...nobody should be without a hot glue gun.)

I asked the director what kind of pie he wanted, and he said he didn't care, so I went a little nuts with the extra Sculpey. I made kidneys and eyeballs and a heart (that doesn't look too good, but it's underneath the back part of the crust, so nobody will see it) and those nasty-looking intestines and a tongue. I got out my acrylic paint set and went to town. Mixing red and blue until they're barely combined really worked for the kidneys.

Mom came home as I was about 3/4 of the way done with my "head pie." "What on earth are you doing?" she said as she stepped through the door to see me adding the finishing touches to the nose.

"Props," I said. She just nodded. She's seen so many of her own possessions onstage (including furniture and pieces of clothing), I think she was relieved to know that everything I used was brand new (including the pie plate, which I bought at the Christmas Tree Shops for 2.99).

"Just clean up before dinner," she said.

I came into the living room holding up the result of my efforts. She was inordinately tickled. "That's wonderful!" she said. "Why don't you make pies that look this good for holidays?"

"I guess I don't have the right ingredients," I said to her.

Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. I do have a date to find for Duran Duran in two days.

I hope he likes the cold...