Know what you are? You're a bunch of ...
Artfags! Artfags! Artfags! Artfags!
Choke on this you dance-a-teria types!

"Instant Club Hit (You'll Dance to Anything)"
Dead Milkmen

Today was the Consulting Company art show. I woke up very early because I had books to bind with still no clear idea of what I was going to do for "Shoe Tree." I thought an accordion-fold book would work well for the story, but as the story itself is quite long, it would have to be a long accordion (or a wide one) and a very small font.

I came downstairs to a very sick Mom. She decided to take the day off work, so the mess in the living room made me even more self-conscious. I apologized all over myself for leaving the room in such a state, but her only worry seemed to be that I wouldn't finish my art projects on time. Knowing my ability to work well with deadlines, I wasn't as worried, but I got going quickly just to make sure that everything would be done by the time I had to get to the office.

I finished up the "Elephant" books, which took much less time than they did last night. I think not being overtired helped a lot. I then decided that I'd have to print out a long strip of paper for "Shoe Tree" to make the accordion folds the way I wanted to. I tried putting a piece of 11"X17" paper into the laser printer, but my printer only opens as wide as 8 1/2". I tried Mom's printer with similar luck. So I had to cut down the paper carefully to Legal size and then I got to work on the text.

It's incredibly small. Even by going across the horizontal, I had to drop it down to 7pt. font to get it all to fit onto one page. I considered buying small magnifying glasses to go with the book, but I didn't have time.

The first couple I bound, I had some trouble with the glue on the printed pages. I was using binding glue to attach the accordion to the backing, and it was causing wrinkles that took a hell of a lot of bone-folding to get rid of. I fixed that problem by using spray mount instead. It holds just as well, and is much less messy.

All of this sounds like it only took a couple of minutes, but I was working non-stop from 7:30am until 1:00pm getting the books in order. I should remember that procrastination is never a good thing, even if it does motivate me. By the time I was done getting everything ready, I only had enough time to take a quick shower and load up the car so that I could be on time for the show.

Luckily, I had tested Chris' table in the back seat of my car the night before, so I knew it fit. I wrapped it in a blanket and then drove to Chris' shop to pick up his business cards and a book of his latest projects. He seemed excited about the show, and we settled on a price for his table. I told him I wasn't sure that anyone who'd be attending the art show would be in the market for a pricey table, but he said it would be good exposure for him, and I agreed.

I got to the Consulting Company with plenty of time to spare. The setup didn't officially start until 3:00, so I busied myself with making signs for Chris' table and explanations of the books and the CDs I was to display.

It finally came time to set everything up, so I went into the craft area and set up my books on Chris' table. A lot of people commented on how nice the table was, and many were surprised that it was a piece for the show and not something that the Consulting Company had hidden away in a conference room or something.

My display was very small compared to everyone else's, but I didn't feel too bad about that. I knew I was taking a gamble, selling hand-bound short stories. Most people who do bookbinding make photo albums or journals, since those sell better. In order to sell what I was selling, I'd have to convince people that they not only wanted something I made by hand, but also something I wrote.

The crafts area was mostly populated with jewelers. Many people had necklaces, bracelets and earrings on display, mostly made out of beads and crystals. When I told Mom that this would most likely be the case, she kind of snorted and said, "That's not jewelry-making, that's just beading. My mother used to make 'real' jewelry." I didn't know that about Nana, so I asked what she had made. "Those brooches I used to wear on my coat? Those were all done by your Nana."

I'm impressed. Compared with what was on display (with the exception of one incredible jeweler), those brooches are miles beyond what I tend to see in craft fairs. I couldn't put together an earring to save my life, so I'm not going to comment on how easy or difficult it is to make jewelry; I just didn't know that my grandmother had such talent, or that Mom was so dismissive of handmade jewelry pieces. I was glad that I had that knowledge in mind, though, since I might have been tempted to go shopping for something to give her for Mother's Day there.

Laurie and I have very similar taste, because she bought an incredible bracelet from the extremely talented jeweler I noticed. He makes all his own glass and ceramic beads, and then does the metalsmithing for the chains, etc. It's incredible work, and I could see why Laurie bought the first new piece of jewelry I've seen her wear in about 12 years.

There was only one other paper crafter in the area, and that was my co-worker Ellen. She had seemingly hundreds of handmade cards on display. I asked her where she got the time to do all that, and she said it was therapeutic for her to sit down and make something.

While I appreciated all the time she had put into the cards, I also realized that I could have done something very similar. They're collage pieces, mostly made up of objects you can find in any major crafts store. Ellen has a lot of talent when it comes to graphic design and layout, so the cards were very professional-looking (but still handmade...if that makes any sense), but I've worked in enough galleries and stationery stores to know how to put together a card that will sell, too.

However, if I made cards, I'd try to come up with a message on the inside, or create cards for occasions that Hallmark doesn't cover. I guess that's why I stick to writing instead of the visual arts. I always try to put the words in somewhere.

Ellen's customer savvy was spot-on, as her table was mobbed most of the time, and she sold about half her stock.

As for my work, I was pleasantly surprised at the reaction it got. I didn't expect to sell anything at all, but a lot of people were intrigued by the idea of handmade books with actual content. The jeweler on the other side of me took a "Balloon Girl" box and read the story inbetween customers, then said, "I have to buy this. This is the most awesome thing I've seen in a long time." Pretty flattering.

A consultant who has been nothing but business-like towards me read the tiny "Elephant" book and said, "This is great. I love it," and bought one.

Most people took one look at the stuff and passed it by, but those who got the idea really got it, and that's all I could have asked for. In a show where the focus was very much on the practical (there were cards and jewelry and someone had brought in funky handbags), I was the only person playing with something whimsical. Considering the fact that I'm not a visual artist and that my stories don't appeal to everyone, I was very happy to have made $50 by the end of the show. That just about covered the supplies I had bought to make everything on the table.

If I had sold those three stories to small literary magazines, I wouldn't have made $50 total, so I guess you could call it my first sale. It is pretty much a vanity publication, but I was never trying to pass my stories off as published, just as a little piece of art. The fact that a handful of people in my fairly conservative office appreciated what I was doing really made me feel good.

Though I did sell a few pieces, I still have a good number left that I don't know what to do with. The jeweler next to me (the one who bought a "Balloon Girl" box) said that I should put up a website to sell these items. I may do something like that, but I think I want to do something different with what's left over from this show. Since I've made up my costs with my sales, I'm going to try and barter with anybody who wants an item.

Y'all get first dibs. If you want any of the following, let me know what you have that you think would be fair trade for it. I'll trade based on what I like, not on the monetary value of what you're offering, so no gift certificates or anything terribly valuable. Bonus points if you've made what you're offering yourself, though I know how tough it is to try and create something when you haven't done that before, so intangibles are fine too. A song? A story? I don't know, come up with something fun and interesting.

I don't hold any illusions that the pieces I made are "works of art" in any way, I just think it might be fun to exchange something creative or fun. I used to do Christmas card exchanges with people online, and I loved it, so I'm considering this an extension of that.

Here's what I have. If you want something, let me know what you'd like to trade for it. If nobody wants anything, I'll cry. No, I'll give them to friends or family or attach them to other gifts. Either way, they won't go to waste.

At any rate, here are the items:

A collage of sorts, featuring my short-short story "Balloon Girl" from the Stoplight Stories I wrote a couple of years ago. The red thing attached to a string is meant to represent the balloon. It's made of vanilla-scented glycerin soap that actually leaves your skin feeling really soft (I made a small bar with the extra). The box top features a great illustration drawn by Suzanne, who is going to be a known commodity very soon, so if you're not interested in something I've made, consider the value of a limited-edition print of the work of an upcoming artist!

An accordion-folded book covered with handmade paper featuring rose petals. I may throw in that magnifying glass with this one, since the font is so small. Though it's not pictured here, there's another illustration by Suzanne on the back.

My most popular short story (it's been requested over a dozen times as an audition monologue by teenage girls) in a traditional stitched book form. The cover is made of handmade paper with orange feathers in it, as well as an acetate featuring a picture of an elephant. Inside is still another Suzanne illustration, which I think is the best one of the three. She captures every element of the story in one frame.

Though I cheated to have all 26 stories completed (I renamed two works, one of which is a poem and not a story), I have been asked a couple of times to re-post all the short stories I wrote and called "Stoplight Stories" back in the day when the journal was called "Inside" and then "Iteration."

The stories are in web format, burned onto a business-card-style CD-ROM. You can probably google cache your way to most of the stories (despite my best efforts, google hasn't removed all the old spies.com pages), but this is just that much handier.

The tiny table isn't up for grabs right now. Chris made it, and it's up to him as to what is going to happen with it. If you're very interested in your own tiny table, let me know, and I'll badger him to make a bunch and set a price (I have to warn you; they'll be pricey, as Chris calls them a "pain in the ass" to make).

If you want the large table that was pictured in the March 21st entry, please let me know, because I'd love for Chris to make a sale like that. He doesn't do artistic pieces nearly often enough, and if people express interest in his non-commercial work, he may start doing this as a profitable little side business.

I don't know if anyone out there is interested enough to barter with me for a bunch of silly items I made by hand, but it's worth a shot. I love getting things in the mail, and I love it when people are creative, so I thought it would be a fun idea.

E-mail me if you want to make a trade, or put your "bid" in the comments area.

Like I said, if nobody's interested, I'll eventually give them to friends and family at some point, so if you receive one of these items for your birthday, you'll know why.