For one second today I loved you,
so much that I shivered like a streetlamp
And I cleaned the house and I shaved my legs
and I thought that I'd cook you a steak
And I checked my hair and I checked the time
and I took in your heart and I thought it was mine
Yeah I thought it was mine. You didn't ask for it back

I don't know why the oddball imagery of the first bit, combined with the ultra-ordinary slice of life on the second bit gets to me, but it really does. I saw Susan at Club Passim a couple years back, and I loved her stage presence. Apparently, she'll be on hiatus while she has a baby, but will be back to play in Medford in June. I may go see her again. I don't know if I can drag Laurie along (she's as much a Susan Levine fan as I am a Richard Thompson fan), but I may be able to find someone else to come with me. Or I'll go alone.

In other upcoming concert news, I'm still no closer to finding a date to the Duran Duran concert on April 1st. I did brush fingers with an extremely cute guy at a lunchtime party today, but it seemed forward to go from jointly petting a cat to asking him out on a date. It would have helped if I could remember his name.

The "party" was really just a gathering of people to read scripts for Boston Theatre Works' BTW Unbound Festival, which has grown in popularity over the years. I read for the festival a couple years ago, but wasn't able to keep up with the weekly meetings, because they were on Mondays, and I was working Monday nights at the time.

Bridget, the literary manager, kept me on file as a reader and I was pleasantly surprised to be asked to read again. This time, it was much easier to commit, since it was a one-time deal and work or rehearsals or anything else wouldn't interfere.

The party officially started at 10am, but I didn't manage to get there until 11. That was okay, as there was only one other person there when I arrived. I picked up my first script, and folks trickled in as I read and filled out the preliminary forms, giving my opinion about each script.

The cute guy (30ish, blonde, skinny...I would say "my type," but I don't have a type, so let's just say he was cute) showed up about a half-hour after I did. He took the rocking chair next to the sofa where I sat, and we shook hands and exchanged names (which I promptly forgot), then mostly sat in silence, reading scripts. We kept pace with one another, and occasionally had to be hushed by Bridget because we would comment to one another about what we were reading. She was totally correct to shut us up, since each script goes through at least two sets of eyes, and talking about the scripts might influence the next person's opinion. However, neither of us gave away any plots or the titles of the pieces we were reading; mostly it was a quick comment just to make the other person laugh, so nobody was "tainted."

The cat conveniently passed by sometime around 1pm, when I was on my third script (I read six or seven scripts in total, and took four home with me to read within the next week, including a musical; which should be interesting). We both reached down to pet him, and our fingers brushed against each others', and neither of us pulled away. In total, the physical contact probably spanned twenty seconds, but for someone who hasn't had so much as a good hug from a potential boyfriend (The Fabulous Robert gives great hugs, but we decided many moons ago that we weren't going to end up dating each other) in over two years, it was a novelty.

Unfortunately, the pizza arrived before that tremendously erotic (poetic license is a great thing) moment became anything else, such as a longing look or me asking, "What was your name again? Do you have a card? Wanna get married?" You know, casual smooth stuff that I'm known for.

I stayed at the party until 3:00, when I realized that I wasn't looking forward to reading the next script. If you're not going to read whole-heartedly, it's not fair to an author to have you read at all, in my opinion. I asked Bridget if she wanted me to take a few scripts home, and she said that'd be great, so I grabbed four from the top of the pile of unread scripts and thanked her for being a great hostess (she baked us cookies as we read!). She thanked me for getting involved again, which was nice. I asked if I should drop the scripts off at the theater when I was finished with them, and she said to contact her after I was done, and we'd work out the handoff. Maybe I can ask for that cute guy's name when I do so.

Of course, he's probably straight or married or has no sensation in his fingertips, rendering the moment completely moot.

Ah well. At least it was a guy. That wasn't the case for the rest of the day.

I guess I'm just a chick magnet. At least I was today.

The day started with a marriage proposal from Carol Elaine, in response to a piece of hate mail I sent to her. (She asked for some, and I accomodated.) I told her sure, but she did bring up the question of whether she got to wear white or if I wanted to, so I figured I'd spare us some catfighting and remain Just Friends.

I don't know what it is, but the journal, which was started (in part) in the hopes that some extraordinary, literate guy who loves pop culture, travel and Irish men would run across it and fall desparately in love with me, has garnered the attention of a number of women. Most are joking or flirting because I'm safe a safe person with whom to do so, but I did have one woman actually stalk me, which was unnerving. (Laurie and Mary Ellen took care of her. It's good to have backup.) Still, I have gotten a number of letters saying, "If only you were straight..."

Hey, it would make things much easier on me if I were straight, too. Actually, if I were straight, I'd have been married to (and most likely divorced from, then tentatively dating again) Laurie, but that idea is kind of squicky now, not just because she's female, but because we've known each other for so long that she's like a member of my family. She's akin to "the coolest sister in the world." (I already have the two coolest brothers, so I guess I'm all set, sibling-wise.)

But I always have captured the attention of women more than men, and I have no earthly idea why. Maybe I have a look that is better-suited to the straight female aesthetic, or else I'm just a nice alternative to guys who are trying to pick women up (those who haven't known I'm Big Gay Patrick have expressed interest, like Bernadette, so it's not just because I'm the "safe gay guy"), or it could just be that I'm more relaxed around women.

I just wish I could translate that into something attractive to the gay guys I would like to date. Those ones tend to back away when I express interest, or are certifiably insane (I guess I was "certifiably insane" for awhile there too, so I shouldn't be that picky), or have committed felonies, or are cheaters who think I don't know the difference between the Spanish words for "two o'clock" and "seven o'clock" (hint: if someone has taken seven years of French or has watched more than one episode of Sesame Street, he understands Spanish numbers at least up to ten).

Anyway, at least I'm a hit with actual human beings, which is very flattering. It continued into tonight.

Tonight, I learned that the next person I would romantically kiss after two years of inaction would be...a woman! Yes, indeed, the leading man (me) in the production I'm in gets to make out with the ingenue. Twice.

So far onstage, I've kissed a woman twice (in Memoirs of a Gorilla and Love and Algorithms), and played a woman twice, but I haven't kissed a guy yet. Not even in the four years I was with an all gay comedy troupe. We never did kissing scenes for some reason.

For someone who's been told that he comes across as "very light" by several directors (including his aunt and his former high school English teacher), whenever I get a non-supporting role, I've been cast as someone with a romantic interest with a woman.

Tonight was the first read-through of the murder mystery comedy I'm doing, and I realized that the scene with the pregnant maid where we flirt with one another isn't the extent of my straightness. Nope, there are two extended, romantic kissing scenes with the ingenue thrown in for good measure.

Since it was a table-read, we didn't have to kiss one another, but blocking takes place starting tomorrow night, and it's just plain stupid to avoid kissing when there's kissing involved (straight, gay, or Morrisey), because the longer you wait the more awkward it gets.

The woman playing the ingenue is very, very pretty (she looks a lot like Elizabeth, who, if I had a "type" for women, would be it) and is already getting the attention of the guy who plays the "hero", but she's a bit flirty with me. Of course, that means nothing in community theater, where everyone is flirty with everyone else, but still, when I met her at the auditions she was quite chatty as well.

Two other women in the cast cornered me after the read-through and pronounced me "cute as hell." Again: nice! Great! But could that come from a guy, please?

(Then again, one of the women said she would go after me if she wasn't "old enough to be [my] mother." I pointed out that she'd have to be a pre-adolescent mom to accomplish that, and she said, "Honey, that's flattering, but I'm 48." I said, "Then you'd have to have given birth to me at 12." She was shocked that I'm 36, even though everyone else in the world pegs me for my exact age immediately, so her eyesight may be suspect.)

Anyway. Kissing a girl again. Yeah, it's acting, but still, I should have gone for a Provincetown version of this type of play, where the ingenue is a houseboy or something. (Not that there's a Provincetown version of this type of play around here; the gay love scenes don't go over so well with the North Suburban Boston community theater attending crowd.)

I find it sad that my straight friend Mike has had more male-male kissing scenes in his acting career than I have. There's just no justice in the world.

Then again, as my (geographically inconvenient) friend Eric says, I have to go to where the guys are in order to meet some. So far, waiting for Mr. Right to show up selling magazines door-to-door hasn't been an effective strategy, and none of my friends has anyone with whom to set me up. (Terry admitted to me that she wanted to set me up with her cousin at one time, and since her family is hilarious and gorgeous, I will be eternally bitter about the fact that she did not.)

I've been very good about all things social except this one thing. I've gotten back together with friends, I've joined committees at work, I've chatted with salespeople and re-joined the theater community. But I haven't put myself in a position to find a date. As the old joke goes, "Meet me halfway! Buy a ticket!" I haven't done that yet.

I realize I can't do everything at once - feel good about my job, take on projects, get writing done, pick up an interest in digital photography, plan a book proposal - and try to concentrate on a love life at the same time. Where I was once at a loss as to how to fill my time, I'm now one of those people who doesn't have enough hours in the day to get everything done. That's a really good thing, of course, but I do need some balance.

I'm not asking for much. Dinner, a movie, going out dancing or a night snuggled up on the couch watching DVDs or reality television or reading books together; it's not like I'm seeking a husband at this point. I'm not looking for a random hookup; I can get that easily enough by logging onto AOL and hitting the chatrooms or visiting a certain private club in Providence, RI. I've been there and done that. All that does is either make me feel rotten while driving home (either that night or the next morning), or land me someone who is way too ready to dive head-first into a relationship because we've already bypassed the formalities of getting to know one another and it just "makes sense" to become InstaBoyfriends.

It's just been a long time since I put myself out there. I'm nervous about it, but it's not the full-blown panic I would have felt a year ago. There are clubs and organizations and groups and meetings and activities where the guys are, I just have to find a few that interest me (no sense in going to the badminton club just because it's at a convenient time) and see who else shows up.

Otherwise, all the kissing I'll be doing in 2005 will be onstage, and that's not really enough for me.