I got the job.

To tell the truth, I think I had the job before I even walked into Jan's office today. She sent me an e-mail yesterday with the subject, "Can we meet?" I responded as quickly as I could, but it was after-hours. She gave me the choice between today and Friday, but I didn't want to wait until Friday to hear what she had to say.

I called her this morning to confirm that our appointment was still on, then went to Dr. B.'s for an appointment. He's very pleased with my progress, and we've decided to start lowering the levels of Klonopin during the day, as it seems as though the Zoloft is taking care of the anxiety on its own.

After my appointment, I had about an hour to kill. I tried to go visit my friend Kim, who works in the campus center of MIT as a surprise, but the Powers that Be in Cambridge decided that the parking meters I liked to use in the past had to be removed. I circled the campus for awhile, but then decided I didn't want to make myself late, so I headed over to the Consulting Company office.

I stayed on the first floor, checking e-mail and going over questions I might be asked during the interview. What was my worst work experience? How had I handled stressful situations in the past? What questions could I ask about this department? I had everything down as well as I could have, so I asked the receptionist where Jan's office was located, and proceeded up the elevator to her floor.

Jan greeted me enthusiastically, and immediately began talking about how excited she was when she heard from Christy that I was interested in the job. She said that she didn't know how I could have handled the hours I've had for over five years, and completely understood why I wanted to change hours.

She did ask me why I wanted out of the design department, and I told her that, while I was happy that Dan agreed to give me daytime hours at the same rate of pay, I wouldn't be working as a supervisor anymore, and no matter how much explaining you did, going from desktop publisher to supervisor back to desktop publisher in the same department would be seen as a failure on some level. I told her I didn't want to take a step backwards, career-wise.

She asked, "Don't you see becoming an administrative assistant after being a supervisor as taking a step backwards?"

"Absolutely not," I said. "From what Christy told me, this is more of a project-based position, and I've wanted to work with your department ever since we started partnering with you."

"That's great to hear. Now, what do you think Dan will say when you tell him you're switching departments?"

And it went on from there. No questions about my past work experience; no back-and-forth about whether or not I'd fit the job; none of the usual interview rap. She told me about the job I was being given, and I told her how excited I was to have it.

We left it with her telling me to talk to some of the people in her department, to make sure that this was a good fit for me, and to talk to Dan (when I decided to take the position) about how smoothly we could make this transition for him.

And that was it! The job is mine for the taking. Officially, the job doesn't exist yet, and I expressed some trepidation about that fact, but Jan pushed the reservations I had away with a wave of her hand. "I'm getting an assistant," she said, "There's no doubt about that. We just have to wait until the paperwork comes through."

So I went back down to the office and said hi to Terry and Laurie, and told them both that I had the position. Dan was in a meeting the whole time I was in the office, so I wasn't able to talk with him today; however, I sent him an e-mail asking for a meeting tomorrow.

That's the part I'm most nervous about. Telling Dan. He did make a decision to keep me around, even when I said that I would have to step down in order to keep working in the department. He's been very flexible about my schedule, and though we approach "management" in entirely different ways, he has consistently given me good reviews, promoted me, and given me assignments that show that I'm capable of doing a lot more than desktop publishing.

However, it's time to move on. Five years in essentially the same position (I'm still mostly a desktop publisher, I just have the added responsibilities of supervising the team) without a Friday night off, without Sundays to spend with my family, with the added problems associated with working a shift that nobody can remember. It's a great place to work (I've finally realized that). I love the people. I get to work with my best friend and was able to have my niece join the team. The weekends are the most flexible shifts on any job I've ever had, and it's pretty cool to work in a design setting.

But it's time to take the next step. As Laurie said, it's time for me to get a "grownup job," rather than this transitional job I've been holding onto out of fear of the unknown. I've been able to gain a good reputation in a great company, and that helped me to get this new opportunity.

Still, I have a lot of worries going into tomorrow. I think Dan will see this as a betrayal, and as abandonment. He promoted me over people with more seniority. He has just offered me exactly what I asked for. I could see him getting really upset at me jumping ship at this point.

It's time for me, though. The right opportunity presented itself at the right time, because I took the initiative to seek out something better. I'm not the first person in design to move to another part of the company. Since I've joined, people have left to become AAs (Christy was the daytime supervisor of the design department before she was promoted to head of hiring the AAs), to become consultants, trainers, and IT professionals, all within the company itself.

So, I'm excited, but I'm still nervous. Nervous about Dan's reaction, nervous about the fact that the job isn't really "official" yet (even though I highly doubt that Jan would put my current position in jeopardy if it wasn't a sure thing). Nervous that this will somehow be pulled out from under me before I get a chance.

Part of me - a small, dark, scary part of me - keeps saying that I don't deserve this. That I've done something wrong; followed the wrong steps, that something is going to rear its ugly head before I get to move on and either keep me where I am or leave me out on the streets.

It's irrational. It's bad thinking. it's slipping back into a way of seeing myself and my life and what I "deserve" that I thought I'd left behind. I know it's temporary...the wait between this job offer and the talk with Dan, even though it's less than 24 hours, is a long one for me, and I'm letting the wait get to me.

I just need to relax. I started out with great news, and writing it out gave voice to fears that are totally irrational. Even if this job turns out to be nothing; if Jan calls me tomorrow and says that she isn't allowed an assistant; I know I still have a job with the design department. Dan has let other people come back after leaving, sometimes in a spectacular fashion. Wanting to develop in my career with the Consulting Company isn't a punishable offense, it's something that the Consulting Company encourages. "Personal Development" is part of our written policy.

Okay, I've managed to talk myself back into a good mood. I guess I was due for a little freakout, and if that happens within the span of a few paragraphs, it's a hell of a lot better than the way I used to deal with my fears.

I'll still probably call Laurie, instant message Becky, and talk endlessly with Lara when I go to pick up Stephanie tonight. It's my way. I might not be as anxiety-ridden as I was a year ago, but I think I'm still allowed a bit of panic at change.

(I just turned to Mom and said, "What if this all doesn't pan out?" She said, "It probably won't. You'll be stuck in design, you'll be working weekends, and you may even have to move in with your mother!" I guess it takes a smartass to know how to deal with a freaked-out smartass!)

I did call The Fabulous Robert after leaving the office. He was truly happy for me, and said all the right things. His best piece of advice was that I should take a week off between leaving the design department and starting with the new department. Since my work week officially ends on a Sunday, I'd go from one job to another with no time inbetween.

Gods know that I have enough time saved up. I was so cautious taking time off last year (because I worried that I might fall sick in some way, like I had the two years prior) that I have a full week of carryover. The vacation I'm taking to Cancun will only take a Friday and a Monday (now that I'll have a position that isn't on weekends, I won't have to take the Saturday and Sunday as vacation time), so that's two days out of 27 that I have available to me.

If When I get a start date for this new job, I'll let both Dan and Jan (oh, I just realized that I made them rhyme! Apparently, my next boss after this will be named "Nan") know that I'm taking a week between both, to, as Robert put it, "Cleanse my mental palate." I need some sort of locational sorbet to stop being a design supervisor and start being a fantastic assistant.

Any suggestions? I'd like somewhere fun but relaxing. Where I could read a book or go exploring. It doesn't need to be too warm; I'm not a creature of the sun. My cousin's daughter has a house in Colorado Springs that she has said is open for anyone in the family to use while she's away. (She's shipping out to Afghanistan next month...I have to remember to ask Diane to get her address once she's settled so that I can send her a care package.) I've only been through Colorado once, on a trip across the country when I briefly moved to San Francisco. I have another cousin (on my father's side) whom I haven't seen for a long while. We've never been terribly close, but I'd like to see him again. He lives near Colorado Springs. That might be a destination.

Or somewhere I haven't thought of yet. I don't know when this will all take place, so I have time to think about it.

But that's in the distant future. In the nearer future, Robert is going to take me to a choral event in Harvard Square this Saturday night. I'm going to feel terribly uncultured, but I once sang in Madrigals, so I do know how to appreciate good music. Besides, what event with Robert involved could be anything but fabulous?

In non-work related news, I'm apparently going to be starting the triathlon training in earnest beginning next Wednesday.

I had called my sister-in-law Susan the other day, when Sean asked me to participate in a triathlon. I know she has trained triathletes in the off-season (she's a personal trainer), and works at the YMCA in the next town over as a trainer and a spin instructor.

Today, I got a call from her, asking when I'd be available to visit the Y with her. We settled on next Wednesday at 9am, when I'll take a tour with her, visit the pool, have her set up a cycling/running/swimming/strength training schedule, and take all my vitals to know where I'm at, and where I need to be.

I asked her what other amenities the Y had, and she said I could take advanced swim classes (I'm a great swimmer, but I know my technique could definitely use some improvement), or yoga, or meditative yoga. That last one really hit me, as both Jane and Dr. B. have recommended that I try meditation as a way of relaxing. I've tried it on my own, with varying degrees of success. Maybe with the proper instruction, I could truly learn to slow down my brain and just be for a little while.

Come to think of it, I could have used some meditative techniques a few paragraphs ago.

In any case, this is the event we'll be running. It's a 1/2 mile swim, 10 miles on the bike, and 3 miles running. I really believe I can do this. I know I could probably finish the race (albeit really slowly) right now; but I want to make a good showing. And some competitive part of me really really wants to beat Sean. That would be fantastic!

Of course, I'm going to have to amend my diet a bit. Right now, I'm eating oatmeal cookies and thinking about Nutella (no, Eric and Robert, not in that way!). I'm going to have to be much more regimented in the way that I approach food from now on. I can do it. And if the training program is anything like Susan described it, I'll be lucky to keep weight from falling off my bones at an alarming rate, anyway.

That's what I'm telling myself now. When I'm still weighing in at 202 in the middle of June, you can write to me to tell me how full of it I am.

I just got back from driving Stephanie back to her dorm. I told her The Amazing Race is looking for "families of four" to participate in their next season. I haven't gone to the website to see what a "family of four" means (it probably involves children, though why you'd drag children in a cutthroat race like that is beyond me). If it's open, I'm going to rope Stephanie, Sean, Diane and myself (1 teenage girl, 1 man in his early 30s, his gay brother in his late 30s, and their cousin in her 50s). We could totally rock this race.

And, in my never-ending quest to just get myself into the media in some way, I called the hotline for Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me on NPR. I'm addicted to this show, and I really want Carl Kasell to do the message on my cell phone's voicemail. They say that if you don't get picked one week, to keep calling back. It's a free number, so I'll do just that. I'm just enough of an NPR geek to want to be on the show.

I've been a media whore forever, but my newfound interest in getting on the radio or TV is because I (this is so lame) called Mix 98.5 yesterday and got on the radio requesting a song. Normally Erin O'Malley (my favorite DJ) just takes requests, but she put me on the air yesterday. I sounded like a total dork, so I don't know why I want more of the same. Maybe I'll record audio entries so you all can listen to how bad my voice is.

It's late, which can only mean one thing...pictures!

I decided to document an entire day yesterday, and I took over 100 digital pictures. I'm not going to subject you to that (though someday, I may use Flash or something to do a slide show), but I do have a couple of shots that I'm going to post. Not because they're especially good (I'm still learning), but because they show small glimpses into the familiar parts of my day.

Live Poultry, Fresh Killed. Anyone who's been to East Cambridge has seen this sign. It's not exactly unknown, but I do love it. It's just so direct.

Part of the Consulting Company's Unnecessary Furniture Project. These chairs are right by the 3rd floor elevtors, not near anything else. Helpful, if you're tuckered out from riding an elevator and need to sit down and call someone, but mostly just decoration.

Again, with the chairs. These are directly outside the window into the design department. While the elevator chairs might serve some purpose, this is obviously a misguided attempt to fill in an awkward unused space. Nobody has a reason to sit in these chairs. They're in the middle of a hallway, are sitting next to a window, and are stuck in a little niche that would mean nobody would actually see you, if you were waiting for them.

I pass by this storefront every day on my way to work. They sell Peeps, so I went in and bought some.

They'll be delicious as soon as they get stale and chewy enough to eat.

Looking up at the stars, which inspired this new look to the site.

The only picture out of this particular set that I really, truly like. It was taken from a moving car on the way to the vet's yesterdy, but it's pretty clear nonetheless.

And with that, I am off to bed to face Don in the morning.