It's over. Part of me feels like running back to Boston and attending a dance party somewhere. Flitting from place to place, in order to meet one or a couple of guys who might interest me.

One thing's for sure...I don't want to be sitting in my mother's living room on a night like tonight. I don't want to be thinking of my suburban dreams of house ownership away from the city. I lived in the city proper for awhile, but it was with a partner who didn't consider being gay to be a "defining factor," and didn't much care for Pride. He was also ultra-closeted with his parents. It didn't fit my idea of what would be an optimal relationship (in spite of all the obvious reasons), but I respected his wishes, and never went to Pride with him.

As I mentioned before, I haven't been to Pride in a very long time. The last time was in the early 1990s, when I marched with Naked Brunch, my improv comedy troupe. It felt like a liberating experience, but also left me a little sad.

I feel a little sad tonight.

Robert is a terrific guy, and seems to know every gay man in Boston, from the evidence presented to me today. Calls of, "Robert!" were heard everywhere we went, and I was quite jealous of all the attention he was getting.

I have no core group of gay male friends. I know a few here and there, but not a good set of interconnected men who get together regularly, socialize, and visit one another.

It's difficult to do at this juncture in my life, because I'm living with Mom, and that puts a damper on the idea of holding a party, or having someone over for the night.

Even though my town is only 11 miles outside of the city, that's 11 miles farther than a lot of city-dwellers want to go. I'm looking for houses here, but tonight (and probably just for tonight), I'm wondering if a condo inside or closer to the city might be better-suited to me. I just did a quick search on realtor.com, and there are a number of different options for me that are well below my price range. They're probably just beyond the studio level of accomodations, but I don't need much room, and I think living by myself in the city might prove to be a valuable lesson.

Sean will be mad at me for considering the condo option, but I have to think of what would be best for me right now.

There are a lot of things I've been avoiding for so many years, and a viable social life with other gay men has always been a thorn in my side. I've had relationships, but they've mostly been with men who don't have a large circle of gay male friends. I don't go to parties. I don't go to bars. I don't go "where the men are" (as Eric would advise me), and I think I need to do that.

The happy loving couples I saw today opened up a hole in my heart that I know hasn't been filled in a long time. I thought it was filled during my last relationship, but that was a Band-Aid; a piece of plaster slathered over a gash torn in the fabric of my being. Now that I'm healing; now that I consider a lot of my life to actually be healed, I have to stop thinking about what I should be doing or what I'm expected to do, and take some time for some serious thought about what I want.

I find that, on the list of things I strive for in my life, "want" tends to fall lower and lower.

It could be a minor case of after-Pride sadness taking over. That's certainly possible. Seeing so many attractive gay men in one place at one time can overwhelm me. But it also brought up issues that I've been dealing with with Jane on a very intensive level, and I think I've gotten to a point where I can put those issues into the "past" category and go forward.

I am no longer defined by a horrible event that happened to me 21 years ago.

I am no longer held back by a bad relationship that ended over three years ago.

I am no longer scared of actions that I almost took two and a half years ago.

I can only live with today, and I have to figure out what "today" is. As of this writing, this moment in time, I don't think that settling down into a nice little house in the middle of the suburbs is going to lead me towards accomplishing what I want at this point in my life.

What are my wants, this hot, tiring evening?

I want a home. I just have to strictly define what a "home" means. Is it a house with a yard, simply because that's what my brothers have? Or is it a condo in the middle (or the outskirts) of the city; someplace I can turn into my own living space and experience the excitement of the city without having to make a special trip to do so.

I want to work on my creative projects much more often. I have a ton of pots simmering on the stove inside my brain, and a couple of them are demanding my attention whenever I'm not doing something else. They need to be accomplished soon. Sending out scripts, finishing some writing projects, and creating directing opportunities for myself.

I want someone to share all this with. I saw couples who were in-tune with one another; real complements to one another, and I want that. Someone who sees me as an equal. Someone who wants me on a physical, mental, and spiritual level. Someone who laughs at my silliness and can take a night of deep conversation. Someone spontaneous and fun, who makes me laugh. Someone who shares some similar goals as me, but is just as passionate as his own.

A more diverse set of goals to which to aspire. Theater is one facet of my life, but it's not the only one, and I need to add on to that.

There is so much to think about. Perhaps my brain is addled by the heat and the festivities, but I don't think so. I think what I've done is equate "doing well" with "doing what's expected." That can't be the case. I have to carve out my own path, and I'm going to need a lot of support to do that.

Back to realtor.com to see what kinds of condos there are around the area of Boston in which I might consider living. It's amazing that there are so many that fit my criteria.

It's a scary notion, but it's also a "want" that I'm feeling so strongly tonight that I can't ignore or dismiss it.