January 12, 2005 Lust in My Heart "How's that?" "Good." "Not perfect?" "It's good, really." "I want it to be perfect. Just let me..." His hands move swiftly and effortlessly, with an expertise that comes only with years of practice. I can feel his breath on my neck as he works with me. I try not to concentrate, just to let it happen. If I concentrate too hard, I know I'll be disappointed at the end. Again. "How is that?" Oh, my. "Really good!" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Good. Now I want you to look at me. Look right at me. That's right." He shifts position, so that I can't see him anymore. Everything is a blur, and I know I'm close to being done. I await the next instruction. "Go ahead," he says I don't need to concentrate. Everything is just right. I follow his instructions. "Bottom row. B, X, Z, K, L, T" And then it's over. I have a new eyeglass prescription. My eye doctor (I never remember if he's an optometrist or an opthamologist) Al is the older brother of my ex-boyfriend Tom. He looks eerily like Tom, only better-looking. Though I have a rule about not letting myself get attracted to straight guys (what's the point?), it's just too easy to picture myself doing nasty things to Al, because I've had experience with someone who looks so much like him. Besides the fact that I was trying to keep myself from getting turned on, it was a nice experience seeing Al. Tom's family was very welcoming to me, even though I was in college and Tom was in high school when we were seeing each other. (We were both 18...I started college at 17, and he was 18 during his whole senior year, but still, it was a different situation for me.) Tom's sister taught me how to drive standard while Tom was filling out college applications. His mom invited me to her community theater productions. Tom wasn't my first real boyfriend. Kevin was my first real boyfriend, when I was in high school. He became enamored of me when he got the jacket I had in Madrigals, and sought me out because I was the only openly gay kid in the school at the time. He quickly became the second openly gay kid in school, and we were known as a couple. He wan't out to his family though, which caused some tension. (Though I now know I was an anomoly, coming out to my parents at such a young age back then.) The only other guy I seriously dated who was out to his family was the serial arsonist. I won't mention his name, even though he's changed it twice since I first met him. (Harder to track down the incarceration record with a totally different name.) The other two serious relationships I had were with men who were completely closeted with their families. I've always found that to be a difficult situation, because I refuse to hide the fact that I'm gay, and I don't like playing the "just a friend" role to anyone. Seeing Al today made me think about that, and what I'm looking for in a mate in the future. I think being out to his family will be a requirement. It may limit my options, but I like the idea of families getting to know one another. I like having Susan's and Heather's family in my life, even peripherally. I'd want my partner to share his family with me as I would mine with him. Besides, my family rocks. Not much else to report for today. Went over to Laurie's to watch Lost and Alias, and her landlady's son Tefan came down and watched with us. He's 13, and a total riot. A very well-behaved kid who has a good (13-year-old) sense of humor and who thinks that Laurie is the coolest. Stephanie handled her second day at work very well, according to Laurie. Steph tends to get frustrated with herself for not getting things on the very first try, but the nature of our work isn't something you can get the very first try. I just hope she sticks with it, because I know she can do the work really well once she gets the hang of it. On a slightly meta-note, spies.com is going away as of January 15th (this Saturday). I am sticking with Ceej for hosting, and have a new domain name registered. As soon as everything is set up, I'll let you know when to change any bookmarks or links. I'll most likely take down the archives for a bit to fix the links and such (it'll be a big job), but they'll be put back up as I get them in order. Well, it's almost 3 a.m., and I'm currently watching Battlefield Earth on TV, so I guess it's time for bed.