February 10, 2005 Changes (of the Major Variety) The 10th! And that means payday! And payday after the review period means...bonuses! I was pleasantly surprised to see a large balance in my bank account this morning. The percentage I thought would be taken out in taxes was, so my estimate of how much money I'd have in the bank as of this date was spot-on. I still haven't gotten my tax refund yet, but that'll be another chunk o' change to sock away towards the house. I still have yet to file for my state taxes, but the refund on that is always so small, it'll be worth a nice dinner and maybe a show. Perhaps, if I'm really lucky, they'll pay for plane tickets to Cancun. Knowing that all this cash was coming in, I was thinking about the "present to myself" that I was going to buy. Laurie and Amanda did some research regarding digital video cameras, and Saundra agreed to write some scripts for me to film. However, a decent, festival-submittable-quality camera and the editing equipment to go along with it would cost more than my entire bonus, not to mention the fact that I know squat about what it takes to produce an independent film. There are thousands of people out there who are filming independent features as I type this, and they're not breaking into Hollywood. So the essential question became: Do I want to be an independent filmmaker, or do I want to be a writer? The choice is obvious. I've been writing since I could hold a crayon. It's been the one thing I've dreamed about since I could have a dream of the future. I know how to write, produce, and direct my own plays, and get audience members in to see them. Why would I venture beyond that, when I have a place in my own world that I am comfortable, and was making great progress until I was hit with mental illness? So today, while at work (yes, another day off where I was at the office), I took a trip down to our IT department and asked one of the IT guys if there was a seller he could recommend that could get me my very own laptop, just like the ThinkPads we use at work. I love this laptop, and if I could get something comparable, I could do a lot of projects that I just don't feel comfortable doing on a work machine. He said that I could get the exact same ThinkPad for the cost that they pay for them, loaded up with XP Professional and the entire Microsoft Office Professional suite for a really good price. I just needed to contact our purchaser, who would contact the vendor, who would contact me. I went back to my desk, called the purchaser, who sent an e-mail to the vendor, and told me to call an 800 number. Fifteen minutes later, and I had my very own ThinkPad being built that will be ready to be delivered to me within 10 business days. I spent more than I'd budgeted for, but a lot less than I would have if I'd gone the video camera route. I have all the bells-and-whistles programs that I need to do my playwriting, web stuff, and other types of writing, and I can access whatever internet sites I need to, without worrying about my cache showing up in the company's disk drives. (For the record, I never, ever surf NSFW sites using this computer.) It was a step in the right direction, but I was on a roll. Why stop there? Earlier this morning, I attended a bagel breakfast held by the Morale Committee. I talked with Bernice, and with Keisha, the actor that I thought I knew from the Boston theater scene. Turns out she was the very same Keisha (I knew it immediately when I saw her), and we chatted for awhile. I introduced Bernice to Keisha and said, "Keisha worked with my ex, Diego." Bernice laughed and said, "What a small world!" So there's no more question on the Bernice front. She's aware that I'm gay. She still wants to hang out with me. Life is good. Talking with Keisha got me to thinking about theater projects, and how I haven't acted onstage since 2001. I've already said (in source code on the previous entry) that I was thinking of feeling out the possibility of another position within the Consulting Company, and I wanted to know Bernice's take on her own job. I know most of the higher-level AAs are pretty happy, and I know that I could kick serious ass as an AA, and I also know Christy, the person in charge of hiring AAs, because she used to be my supervisor when I started in Dezin. Bernice and I talked, and she said that I would be great as an AA, or even a Producer (though she was kind of unsure of what they do, as well), but she thought that my first move had to be to talk to Dan. "If it gets through the grapevine, and you know it will, that you're looking for another position, Dan's going to be pissed," she said. "Your only concern is your schedule. Ask him how you can remedy that. Don't give an ultimatum, don't demand anything, just tell him what it is you require to be happy with your job, and see if he's willing to work with that." She was right. I needed to talk to Dan. Anything else would be going behind his back, and I'm not like that. So I marched myself over to his office and asked if he had the time to talk. He said yes, and we settled down. "Dan," I said, "I've been doing a lot of soul-searching in the past couple of weeks, and I've come to the conclusion that I simply can't continue on with the schedule I'm working. I need to do theater. I need to see my family. And quite frankly, I think I've earned the right to have a decent schedule." Dan looked a little taken aback. "This is a bit of a bombshell," he said to me. "Why didn't you bring this up in your review?" "I wasn't sure that's what I wanted to do when my review came," I said. "Honestly, I haven't reached the breaking point until just this week. I love Design. I love being a supervisor. I don't want to leave, but I have to change my schedule. Is there anything we can work out, because I think I'm doing a fantastic job right now." To my shock and utter delight, Dan agreed with me. He said we had to have a meeting with Terry and Lara to discuss scheduling needs, but that I most likely could go to a 10am-6pm shift, Tuesday-Saturday (I picked that schedule...I like having a weekday off, and I like working with the Saturday crew). The meeting with Lara and Terry went well. Both were sad that I wasn't going to be on the supervisors' team anymore, but were happy to have a great desktop publisher on-staff during a peak swing shift. The details of when and how this will happen, I'm going to leave alone for now. It won't happen immediately, some other things have to be in place before I can move to days. But the upshot is that I won't be losing anything by doing this, and that I'll be working towards creating my own specialist niche within the design department, not just going back to being a cog in the machine. I'm not taking a step backwards, I'm creating an opportunity for myself that allows me to have a real social and family life, an outside-the-corporate career path, and nights to myself again. And you know what? I deserve it. I totally deserve it. I managed to get myself into work and be fully functional while going through utter hell for a couple of years. Once I got the help I needed, I started to excel at my job, going far beyond what was expected of me. I'm respected in the department, and in the company, and I asked for what I wanted, and got it. It was a damned fine moment for me. I did have a crisis after going through all that goodness, which I'm not going to detail here. All I can say is thank you to the folks who reached out and helped me when I asked you to, and especially to The Fabulous Robert and Eric, who told me to call them immediately upon receiving their e-mails. I did, and they talked me down from my dilemma. But all of you, you rock. Whoever says that the internet can't form lasting friendships is delusional. And right now, I'm ecstatic. I have a new computer on the way. Bernice has now shifted gears in thinking of me from "potential boyfriend" to "potential girlfriend." I have a date with Robert for Saturday. I'm going to be working days for the first time in 5 years very soon. It's bad luck to say this, so I'm knocking wood, but I think my life is actually on-track right now. I can't say I've ever felt this way.